Secret Stories Chapter 1: My Mikey

Blogsville is awesome, because you can be brutally honest. You can roll out of bed, grab some coffee, and sign in. No one knows that you are wearing yesterday's mascara in a raccoon type fashion, or that you have on your husband's sweats. Then, you get to write all the sarcastic or whimsical thoughts in your head down for people to see. It's an amazing thing.

So, this thought process brought me to begin a series of "Secret Stories." These are the stories that should never be told. Stories that would make your mother blush! And a quick warning: This story is not for anyone with a weak tummy. I apologize in advance, but I just couldn't help myself. Enjoy!

Chapter 1: My Mikey


I call my husband Mikey because he eats ANYTHING! Over the past 5 years, I have made it my job to stop him from eating bad food, stale chips, and moldy bread. (Now you see why this is a secret story!) Well, I did a pretty good job of food patrol until I got pregnant...

See, when I got pregnant, I just got downright sick. I mean, throwing up 4 or 5 times everyday for months. (Silver lining: I was pencil thin at 4 months preggers.) My doctor said it was alright, just keep eating. So, I did...and then I kept ralphing. Just opening the fridge sent me running to the loo. Food patrol was the last thing on my mind. And this is where the story gets good..

For Christmas, my school gave everyone a huge sliced ham. I thought I would die just having to take it home in my car. I put it in the way back! I made my husband put it in the very back of the fridge. He loved it.

Well, in February (2 MONTHS later), my husband came home from work to tell me about how sick he had been that day. Of course, I am secretly thrilled that someone else is sick, but I say, "Oh honey, what happened?" He continues to tell me that he was out at a vendor's warehouse when he started to feel funny. Then, he ran to the restroom to relieve himself, only to find the one potty occupied! Next, he said he just had to pass a little gas to relieve the pressure...oops...only to have one big situation. (By the way, when he told me this, I laughed my head off!)

"What did you do?" I asked in freakish delight. And get this, he says serious as a heart attack, "I did what I had to do, I cut my underwear off with my pocket knife." Hmmm...

And he says this like it is the most normal, logical solution to the problem! Then he just threw the underwear away, cleaned up, and finished out the work day. Men!!! What planet are they from? Who does that?

So, now you can guess what my Mikey had for lunch that day....Yep, you guessed it: A big, delicious sliced ham sandwich. I bet it was super tasty! :) Oh, my Mikey!